On Dealing with a GenderConfused Almasy
by VictimOfCircumstance
Summary: Seifer Almasy made quite a striking female. Too bad everyone else seems to agree, or else Squall wouldn't have been quite so concerned with the pair of breasts that suddenly appeared on his boyfriend's chest. Seifer x Squall, gender switch
1. Chapter 1

**Pairings: **Seifer x Squall, Irvine x Selphie

**Warnings: **Rated for cuss words.

**Disclaimer: **FFVIII does not belong to me. I couldn't handle the responsibility.

**Notes: **Fandom corrupts morals. For seriously. Before I got into fandom, I actually had them. Now, I have absolutely no problem with gay real person slash incest. Okay that was hyperbole but still, the point stands.

In that same vein, I never meant to write this fic. Originally, I had extreme principles against writing fic in general, and then against AU, and now I'm writing a gender-switch fic? I'm gonna cry, people. What's next, mpreg? Dear lord, I am a horrible person.

Anyway, it gets better as it goes along. The beginning is kinda slow as I establish the setting and characters and stuff like that, but once it gets rolling, I'm a much smoother writer.

Anyone wanna beta? Candidates who are good with witty banter are uber-win! C'mon, people!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SEIFER! YOU GOT CHANGED INTO A GIRL! THAT'S WHAT YOU GET, BITCH.

([Prologue])

Seifer Almasy made quite a striking female.

To be fair, he made quite a striking male as well. While Zell's hair was more yellow, and Quistis' was more like spun wheat, Seifer's hair was nothing less than pure gold. His eyes were greener than blue or grey, although there were glints of both in those jade depths, and he had the body of a god, tall and lean, with just enough muscles to turn any even vaguely-homosexual man gay. More than anything, though, his appeal lay in his arrogant, confident, eye-catching attitude. A mere entrance into a room was enough to turn heads, and even Squall found it hard to gather the self-control to tear his eyes from Seifer when he had his head thrown back, laughing. The throaty sound gathered attention from anyone within earshot, and the deep rumble of his speaking voice kept that focus.

But as a female, Seifer had a different appeal.

When Squall woke up to find the bed empty, he found it nothing remarkable. Seifer had probably gotten up in the middle of the night to fight T-Rexaurs at the Training Center – a common practice when he couldn't sleep, which happened often enough that Squall wasn't worried.

When Squall heard two SeeD cadets slavering over a leggy blond SeeD, he had assumed that they had just set their eyes on Quistis for the first time, which was a memorable experience for any straight male. So he didn't connect any dots in his mind. After all, the dots were on different planes of thought entirely. Squall had long since divided his thought processes into categories and then split them up onto levels of importance and relation to one another. And Seifer's disappearance plus leggy blond SeeD didn't meet up in any way, shape, or form.

The fact that Selphie didn't make more than one appearance that day didn't strike any warning bells either. She was probably off shopping, or scheming, or spending time with Irvine. She didn't necessarily have anything to do with Seifer's vanishing, and the fact that she giggled when she saw Squall in the cafeteria at lunch and got three times the amount of food she normally ate and said she was too busy to talk and took the food to her room… that didn't necessarily mean anything either. The utterly, shamelessly, gleefully amused look in her eyes… that could have been a coincidence. Right?

And that Irvine couldn't keep a straight face, and that half the girls in Balamb Garden were pouting and acting jealous over absolutely nothing in particular, and Quistis seemed almost offended to be ignored by the male populace in favor of some unseen new girl that Squall couldn't remember admitting into the academy, and Zell looked like his mind was shattered for some unknown reason… that could all be ignored as well.

No one – literally _no one_ – did denial as effectively as Squall Leonhart.

So Squall buried himself in his work and refused to come out for dinner, and Seifer didn't bother him for once, which really should have been a relief, but wasn't. Not even remotely.

That night he went back to Seifer's and his shared rooms with a strange twist of apprehension and fear writhing in his gut. He opened the door to their bedroom and found a blond girl in nothing but a large button-up shirt in their bed and was nearly overwhelmed by profound relief because _thank Hyne_ Seifer didn't _leave_ him, he just got turned into a female, so everything was okay.

And then Squall realized with a shock of panic that everything was most certainly not okay, especially when he noticed the angry tears glistening in Seifer-girl's still-jade eyes.

([Chapter one])

When Seifer woke up that morning, he instantly knew that something was wrong. He wasn't the second most powerful person in the world (screw Squall and his insane power and grace) for nothing. He had total control of his body at all times; he was wholly aware of every flex of every muscle; he had complete balance of every movement and alignment of every motion.

So when he sat up with a start and almost fell out of the bed because his hips weren't where they were supposed to be, he instantly knew that something was very, very wrong. He stumbled to the bathroom on shaky legs and flicked on the light, almost yelling in surprise as a gorgeous blond chick stared back at him. Given his penchant for wearing nothing but boxers to sleep, the first thing to draw his eye was a pair of huge tits. Then his gave flicked up and over the lack of discernable jawline, full lips, pert nose, thin eyebrows, thick eyelashes, and hair that brushed his ass when he moved. That would have to be cut, the sensible and detached part of his mind told him decisively.

Seifer had to stuff a fist in his mouth to keep from screaming, and the fact that he could now fit the whole damn thing was disturbing on multiple levels. He crossed his arms over his chest to hide the boobs, but now there was nothing to keep that insanely delicate face from view. He needed help, fast, but he didn't want Squall to know of his condition. He was Squall's equal, always had been, and he didn't want to be vulnerable in front of the only person he truly respected. So he threw on a t-shirt that was much tighter than it should have been and almost bolted to Selphie's room.

After about two minutes of heavy banging on the door, a grumbling cowboy flung it open and grumbled some more. Seifer found it amusing that he wore nothing but a pair of boxers and that omnipresent cowboy hat. Did he… _ever_ take it off? During sex? Showers, maybe?

Irvine's eyes widened as he took in the sight of a tall, voluptuous blonde knocking on their door and knew that if he didn't play his cards right, he'd end up sleeping on the couch for a week. While Selphie cut him a lot of slack for his flirtatious ways, she probably wouldn't like the idea of a large-breasted blond girl asking for him in the middle of the night. So he did the only thing he could. "Darlin,'" He called in the general direction of the bedroom, "It's for you."

Seifer smirked and considered miming the 'whipped' motion, but figured he needed to get these people on his side before he pissed them off over trivial matters. "Thanks." He murmured, keeping his voice quiet so as not to scare _himself _with the unfamiliar girliness of it.

Selphie appeared at the door moments later, rubbing at her eyes drowsily. Her clothes (a large t-shirt and a pair of boxers, most likely Irvine's) were rumpled and disheveled, but somehow her hair retained the flipped-up style. Seifer knew that thinking about it would make his brain hurt, so he didn't. "Um, hello?" Selphie yawned, clearly confused. "Do I know you?"

Seifer dragged her out into the hall, slamming the door shut behind her in Irvine's very startled face. Selphie stiffened and stared at him warily, clearly preparing to defend herself in case this unidentifiable blond chick was dangerous. She shifted back on her heels, going into battle stance.

Then Seifer stammered, "Selph, it's me, Seifer! I got turned into a girl!"

And Selphie fell over from the force of her giggling.

Seifer was not amused.

After the obligatory squealing over his looks, suspicious interrogation to make sure it was actually him (all he needed to say was 'chickenwuss' and she believed him), and questions as to the reason behind the reversal (no answers forthcoming), Selphie realized the necessity of getting Seifer clothing and instructions on how to act like a girl without looking like a guy.

Amidst much hyperactive chattering, she managed to drag him to Quistis' room. Seifer followed more or less obediently, mainly due to confusion, wandering around in a daze and struggling to maintain sanity. That was kinda difficult, considering every time he took a step on those too-thin legs, the huge semi-liquid-filled balloons on his chest would swing up and nearly hit him in the chin. That wasn't cool at all. He had to tone down his confident swagger into smoother, shorter steps that took him nowhere fast. How the crap did Selphie move around so quickly?

The brunet girl was babbling something about 'Quistis' and 'bras that fit' and 'lingerie' and something about applying mascara, something that made Seifer stop dead in his tracks and abruptly sit down right where he had been standing. "Selphie, I can't do this," he said frantically, resting his chin on his drawn-up knees. "I'm not female, I don't want to learn how to be female – this should be temporary, right?"

"Well, yes," Selphie's smile never faltered. Seifer couldn't help but feel a ray of hope at Selphie's eternal optimism, although it did convince him of one thing: the girl was obviously on crack. "But you want to adjust in the meantime, don't you? Besides, it'll be fun! Who hasn't wanted to be a member of the opposite gender for a day? You're not gonna be female for long, so enjoy the experience while you can! When you get changed back into a male, it'll be no problem to go back to your normal self."

He gnawed at his lip, unsure. "Yeah, I'd want to be a girl for a day just to experience these babies," He hefted one breast in each hand, looking impressed. "But who knows how long this'll last! I could be stuck like this forever."

"Seifer Almasy!" She scolded, smacking him upside the head none-too-gently. "I've never known you to be so pessimistic! Don't go into this thing expecting that it'll never get better! You have to believe that things will work out, and they _will_. Trust me. We'll figure this out."

Seifer smiled slightly, feeling reassured. He let her pull him to his feet, which would have been a difficult task for any other girl her height (even as a female, he had a good foot on her) except Selphie had uber-powers of hyperactive sugared-up crazed amazing-itude, so he was brought to his feet without a hitch.

"What would you do if you were a guy?" He thought to ask her as they walked on.

She cocked her head to the side in thought, back to bouncing along in her normal exuberant walk. "Definitely masturbate." Selphie answered decisively, accompanied by a sharp nod of certainty.

Seifer snorted, ruffling her hair with one hand. "Smart girl. …I don't think Quisty would appreciate us waking her up in the middle of the night," He mentioned a tad belatedly, considering Selphie was now knocking on her door.

Selphie shrugged with an entirely unapologetic 'oops!' and waited for the door to swing open.

Quistis glared at them wordlessly through the crack between door and frame, which would have been much more effective if she weren't half-unconscious and staring about a foot above Seifer's head.

"Yo, Quisty, flash me those tits, cuz I wanna see if they fit my hands as well as mine do," Seifer drawled.

He received a door in his face. Perhaps he should have been a bit more tactful about that.

A glare from Selphie (plus a few more knocks on the door, a half-hearted apology, and a garbled explanation) later, Quistis was far more willing to speak to the blond bombshell. She led Seifer inside, dismissed Selphie so that the petite girl could go get more sleep, and urged the newly-turned-girl to tell her everything.

It took all of fifteen seconds, including Seifer's extraneous use of profanity and his tendency to embellish _any_ story to make it more interesting. When his hasty explanation was finished, Quistis sat back to think, tapping one finger against her lips and crossing her legs in thought.

Seifer half-heartedly copied her motions, knowing that he should pick up on those girly little quirks if he wanted to look even remotely natural in this newfangled body of his.

The instructor stood without a word, disappearing into her bedroom for a minute or so and returning with a bundle of clothes that she pressed into Seifer's arms with a preventative glare that clearly told him not to thank her. He appreciated the gesture. He'd never been very good at that grateful crap. Seriously, other people should be thanking him for living. His presence was a gift bestowed on the world that should be praised daily. Come to think of it, where were the gifts? Why wasn't he getting gifts for gracing people with his presence? He frowned thoughtfully, not knowing that the look on his new face leaned more towards adorable than threatening. Alright, that would have to change. Starting as soon as he regained his male body, he expected weekly presents for being alive. He'd get on it immediately.

He jerked himself back to the present and sought through the pile of clothing, finding the desired articles without a problem. With a gruff (well, it was intended to be gruff, it really came out rather husky) "be right back," he disappeared into the bathroom, reappearing a few minutes later clad in exercise pants and a button-up shirt, underclothes and all. He shot Quistis a grateful smirk and made to leave the room, only to be halted by her unforgiving tone, "Where do you think _you're_ going?"

"Back… home…?" He ventured a guess, then wilted as he realized that he didn't want Squall to know about his condition. And here he was, still hoping to wake up any second and find that it was just a dream. Apparently his subconscious wasn't that kind. Damn.

She gestured to the couch and offered gently, "I could make up a bed for you to sleep here for a night. We'll figure everything out in the morning."

He accepted her proposal with a grateful, if awkward, smile, and found himself settled down to sleep on the pull-out couch a few minutes later. Looking around, he noticed that she had the full set-up of an officer's suite, exactly like Squall's dorm. He couldn't begrudge her the right – after all, she was the Head Instructor, she deserved the same privileges of Leonhart's Headmaster status.

So he settled into uneasy sleep, filled with dreams of familiar golden eyes and flashes of cruel smirks. The dream soon switched to an image of Selphie chasing him (in his male body, somehow) around, attempting to apply lipstick on his unwilling lips. He wasn't sure which dream was more of a nightmare.

He woke up fully aware of the situation, thankfully. He didn't want to undergo the 'what-the-crap-are-these-jugs-doing-on-my-chest' thing twice. Once was traumatic enough. Quistis was moving around in her bedroom, appearing a few minutes later in her normal skirt-pants-vesty-thing ensemble.

"I have to teach a class now," she told him directly, bustling around. "But Selphie will be here soon to take care of you. Feel free to make yourself breakfast, and **don't touch anything else.**"

He nodded, letting a smirk settle on his lips just to freak her out, not planning to do anything devious. She was being trusting and open-minded enough to let him sleep in her room although there was no definite proof that he even was gender-confused-Seifer and not an impostor, which was more than he had expected of the strict, paranoid blonde. Maybe there was hope for ol' Quisty yet.

He waved her off and offhandedly wondered what it would be like to make out with her in this body, and how much gil they could make selling videos of it, and whether they could pass off as twins and charge extra for that. He had prettier eyes though, he realized as he stared at them in a mirror. Thankfully, he hadn't lost that sea-green shine to their jade depths. Squall… Squall had liked his eyes. He distracted himself from an anxiety-ridden panic attack over whether or not Squall would still like him now – oh Hyne, what if Squall didn't believe him – by cooking a full three-course breakfast.

Luckily, Selphie brought Irvine to breakfast with her so they could actually finish off the feast of food he prepared. Afterwards, Selphie dragged both men on an impromptu shopping spree involving many new sets of lingerie on Seifer's account and many bags that Selphie forced him to carry on Irvine's. Seifer hadn't liked shopping as a male, and he didn't like it any more now. Too many sycophantic, creepy, always-smiling salesladies following him around trying to fondle him while he wasn't paying attention. And now there were even more! But now there were men _and_ women! It really wasn't cool.

Seifer had to be physically restrained from tearing apart a man limb-from-limb when he had slapped his ass in the dressing room of that one clothes store. Unfortunately for Seifer, he didn't have Hyperion on him, or else that guy would have been only a splatter of blood on the carpeted floor.

They returned to Garden for lunch, although Seifer wasn't comfortable enough in his new body to show up in public. Selphie disappeared for a few minutes and returned quickly enough with a tray loaded with food that they split three ways. It didn't take nearly as much to fill him up anymore, something which Seifer wasn't sure if he was happy about or not.

The real event of the day came at about 1400 when Zell knocked on Selphie's door looking for Irvine. The door swung open and the Chickenwuss saw Seifer and whistled appreciatively at the attractive stranger. Then Irvine explained succinctly exactly who that attractive stranger was.

Zell lay unconscious on the floor for a few minutes before anyone cared enough to wake him up. Seifer had never seen anyone faint quite so effectively before, although Squall had the annoying ability to lose consciousness on command. Still, Squall's collapses were always graceful and fluid.

Zell just… **bam**. Head, meet floor.

The Chickenwuss left pretty soon after regaining awareness, unable to meet Seifer's eyes. That was going to be the single benefit of this whole situation – tormenting the Chickenwuss who was unwilling to fight back anymore. Although that was all part of the challenge of it… aw, screw it, there were flat-out _no_ benefits to this whole gender-switch thing. He did not envy girls their breasts. They were large and unwieldy and got in the way and Irvine couldn't stop staring at them, which annoyed Selphie, whose voice became higher-pitched from it, which gave Seifer a headache.

It was an interesting day for Seifer, to say the least. He spent most of it locked up in Selphie's room, but got bored of that pretty quickly and wandered around a bit. He was used to being stared at as a guy, and didn't mind it, but this kind of lustful, appreciative once-over of his body made him a tad bit uncomfortable. He took to glaring at people as he walked by them before they'd even made eye contact, which made him feel better about the whole situation. Now he saw why Squall glared at him for calling him pretty.

Squall… Hyne, what _would_ Squally-boy say about the whole thing? He consciously knew that he didn't have anything to worry about, but… His whole life, he'd been competing with Leonhart. It defined a good part of who he was. Being Leonhart's equal was the core of his being. Without that, what did he have to match him up to Squall? What did he have to keep Squall's interest? He sure as hell couldn't match him with a gunblade, at least not until he learned to fight without getting his tits in the way of everything, and what else did he and puberty boy share, really? Would Squall break up with him over this?

Well, there was no way to tell until it happened, so he bid a reluctant farewell to Selphie at around 2200 and left her room without looking back, feeling her worried gaze following him until he turned a corner out of sight. He breathed a huff of relief. He didn't appreciate people's concern. He could take care of himself, Hyne-damnit.

So he shed his exercise pants and lay down to wait for Squall, apprehension beating a fast rhythm in his chest.

**oooo**

Author's Note: I reiterate: sorry it starts slow, and does anyone want to beta?

Constructive criticism is always appreciated, and any review at all would be wonderful.

In addition, I'm thinking about writing an AU fic where Cloud and Seifer are foreign exchange students that come to America and meet Zack and Squall. Chaotic hijinks ensue. Anyone interested in reading that?


	2. Chapter 2

[Chapter two]

Seifer had apparently heard his approach, though he (she?) showed no reaction other than to turn his/her head away from Squall in order that he not see his/her tears. Squall instinctively knew that Seifer was in a fragile state emotionally at that moment, so he made sure to keep his steps audible and stepped forward slowly, sitting on the edge of the bed with overly gentle motions. He rested his hand on Seifer's back comfortingly, rubbing soothing circles into the area between his/her shoulder-blades.

"'m not made of glass." Seifer mumbled, voice soft and nowhere near as harsh as normal, and Squall had to forcibly keep from flinching at the melodic, smooth tone of it. That… was not Seifer. Just like the long and shapely legs weren't Seifer's, and the curtain of fine-spun golden hair wasn't Seifer's, and those delicate fingers on that slender hand… they certainly weren't Seifer's.

"I know." He muttered back, unsure of what to say.

Seifer-girl spun around, sitting up in a fluid motion, and glared at him with those glittering jade eyes. The thick eyelashes may not have been Seifer's, but the sheer passion in that gaze couldn't have fit anyone but the Almasy. The pouty lips weren't originally Seifer's, but the scornful sneer was all too familiar. The voice currently cussing at him wasn't Seifer's, but that specific combination of cusswords spoken with those exact inflections was a Seifer Almasy trademark. "Look, you motherfucking son of a whorecock, if you start treating me differently I'm going to rip off your balls, and I'm now allowed to use that threat because I don't have any, got it?"

"Understood." Squall nodded, staring entranced at Seifer-girl's features. Damn, but this girl was lovely when she was angry.

Apparently, the expression on his face was precisely what Seifer didn't want to see. "Damn-Hyne-shit, Squally-boy, I'm serious. I don't know why this happened, and I don't know how to fix it, but I'm going to, so don't you dare think of me as anything but Seifer Almasy, ex-Sorceress Knight and the only man able to kick your ass."

"That would be more effective if that were how I thought of you in the first place," Squall pointed out, one eyebrow cocked.

"And I swear I'll make you straight for me, so you're definitely not allowed to leave me because you're gay." Seifer continued, ignoring Squall's dry comment.

Squall took Seifer's head between his hands and made the lovely face turn to him, meeting those jade eyes dead-on. "You are being irrational. Stop it."

Seifer took a deep breath to argue more, but then heaved all his frustration out in one big, heartfelt sigh. "Yeah, you're right. Hyne, why is this happening to me?" Squall gave a minimal shrug. Not needing any verbal encouragement, Seifer continued, "Selphie wants me to start wearing make-up and skirts and lingerie, and… I don't really want to. I'm not that type of person."

"Don't." Squall commanded, startled into speech. "I don't want you to change who you are to suit your looks. I'll still think of you as Seifer, no other name, and I am not going to compartmentalize you mentally into separate entities judging by your gender. You will always be Seifer." _My Seifer_, he left unsaid.

Seifer gave a small, sweet smile that made Squall melt internally, and pressed a kiss to Squall's fingertips in an unintentionally alluring manner. "Thanks, puberty boy. I don't want to be an alternate Seifer. I think I look good enough without make-up anyway."

Squall instantly nodded in affirmation, causing Seifer to shake his head with a widening smile and slide up onto his knees.

"Of course, just because I don't want to be all feminine and shit doesn't mean I don't want to flaunt my ridiculously hot body," Seifer continued flippantly, slowly undoing the buttons of the shirt one by one as if he were performing a striptease to no audible music. He slid it off his shoulders with a sultry look at Squall (causing the brunet to wonder exactly when Seifer had learned female seduction tactics) and posed on the bed, legs curled under him and breasts arched invitingly. "Have I turned you straight yet, Squally-boy?" He murmured, voice husky and _holy Hyne_, where did he get that lacy black lingerie?

Squall nodded dumbly again, finding his gaze being drawn to all areas of Seifer's body and not knowing which one to settle on. The taut abdomen, the disproportionately large breasts, the toned thighs, the smooth neck, the smirking lips – actually, ignore those – or those smoky eyes…? Too many choices. Brain overload.

Seifer tackled him – now _that_ was familiar – and forced him on his back on the bed, kissing him senseless. The soft-as-velvet lips were different, but the flavor was the same. Those wandering hands had an unfamiliar lack of calluses, but the path they traveled down his body to the button on his slacks was gut-wrenchingly recognizable.

"Mm, wait," Squall tore his mouth away from Seifer's to pant out breathlessly. "Condoms."

Seifer blinked down at him, blind-sided. The thought had apparently never occurred to him… her. Squall still wasn't sure what gender pronoun to use when thinking of the new Seifer-girl who was not new at all except that he/she was a girl. This was getting kind of complicated.

Thankfully, Seifer didn't give him much time to consider it, as his newfound body kept the pair occupied late into the night and far into the early morning.

Squall woke up the next morning to the familiar scent of coffee wafting through the dormitory. He stumbled towards the source of the smell and found Seifer in the kitchen wearing nothing but a loose robe and a grumpy expression.

"Bad mood?" Squall inquired succinctly, taking the proffered mug of coffee with a grateful nod. Seifer had flavored it exactly the way he liked it – one teaspoon of sugar, no milk, and a dash of brandy.

"Fuck off." Seifer growled into his own mug, damp hair spilling forward and getting in the way of pretty much everything. "Shampooing this mass of hair took about half a bottle, and I haven't even tried brushing it yet. How the fuck do females – Leonhart, are you _taller_ than me?" He cut himself off with a flabbergasted question.

Squall measured them up in his mind and found to his great shock that yes, he was taller than Seifer. SCORE!

Seifer snarled and slammed his coffee mug onto the counter, unmindful of the hot liquid spilling over the side and onto the smooth surface. Squall, on the other hand, gazed at the coffee stain with disheartened melancholy. "Hyne-fucking-cock-shit, I shrunk six whole inches, grew a fucking coat-worth of hair, lost almost all of my muscle, and could probably span my current waist with my old man-hands, and all I get in return are these balloons strapped to my chest? Why does Hyne hate me?!"

"Probably because you always attached his name to phrases like 'fucking-cock-shit,'" Squall answered blithely. "Although that's just a guess."

"Piss off, Leonhart." Seifer hissed viciously, grabbing a dishtowel and wiping away the spilled coffee with tight, hostile swipes. Something in the back of Squall's mind questioned '_how can wiping up coffee be hostile?'_ but the other voices promptly assured that voice that Seifer's actions couldn't be described as anything _but_.

Squall sighed, setting down his own mug with great care. Seifer was generally antagonistic, but he always wore a smirk on his face while doing it. This open belligerence wasn't like him. "Why are you acting like this? Cut your armpits shaving this morning?"

Alright, so he couldn't help getting a few digs in. Seifer Almasy had been bullying him and making fun of him since they were five, and now, he finally had the upper hand in a situation. He was going to milk this for all it was worth.

Seifer's eyes widened in shock before he cracked a reluctant smile. "At least I have to shave _something,_ puberty boy." He retorted, gesturing to Squall's silk-smooth cheeks.

Squall glowered at him, half-annoyed and half-relieved. There was his Seifer, same as always.

"If you need to go do Headmaster-y things all day, I understand." Seifer said unexpectedly, now searching through the refrigerator. "I'll probably be able to find stuff to do. But who's gonna take over for me as Commander of SeeDs? Selphie's your secretary, Zell's the Director of Combat Instruction… I guess Quistis? Oh wait, she's the Head Instructor, right? Maybe Irvine?"

Squall blinked, then rubbed the bridge of his nose in growing irritation. Great. Another thing to add to his extensive to-do list. "Are you really that much worse with a gunblade now?"

"You mean, do I think myself incapable of being the Commander because I'm not skilled enough?" Seifer clarified, pulling out bacon and eggs from the fridge and heating up a skillet. "It's not that, entirely. I'm probably still a good enough fighter. I just don't think I could demand as much respect now."

Squall's eyes gleamed with disappointment. "That's your excuse? That's pathetic."

"Hey," Seifer protested, his own eyes narrowing in a familiar glare. "It's not an excuse. It was easy for me to gain the SeeD cadets' respect as a male, because I'm… I _was_ tall and intimidating, but now I'll have to regain their respect, and it won't be as easy."

"It won't be as easy." Squall repeated, his lips twisting into a disgusted sneer. "Because you can't handle things unless they're easy?"

"I never said that!" Seifer objected, but Squall continued speaking over him.

"You are supposed to be a Commander of SeeDs, Almasy," Squall reminded him, voice icy. "I will not allow you to shirk your duty because it becomes difficult for you. I expect you to be able to handle complicated circumstances without failure or complaint, and I do not anticipate disappointment. Do I make myself clear?"

Seifer stared at him blankly for a moment, then flung himself at the unsuspecting Squall, who stumbled back at the abrupt weight hanging off his neck.

"You're so hot when you talk like that," Seifer breathed out, eyes smoldering, before he covered Squall's mouth with his own in a devouring kiss.

Squall gave a muffled yelp before he braced himself against the wall, pinned to it by Seifer's lighter weight.

Forty minutes, two showers, and a hasty clean-up of the smoke-filled kitchen later, Squall and Seifer were ready to begin their day.

They grabbed granola bars and water bottles and hurried to their respective jobs: Squall to his Headmaster's office, Seifer to the Training Center where the SeeDs waited to get their respective assignments. Halfway to his office, Squall changed directions and ran back in the direction of the Center. He wanted to be there to back up Seifer in the likely case that the SeeDs didn't buy his story – after all, he would be disappointed in his mercenaries if they believed the unfamiliar woman without question.

Squall caught up with Seifer right before the blonde could open the doors, ignoring the questioning glance in favor of setting his jaw in a stoic expression. Seifer flung open the double doors and marched inside, gathering up every ounce of intimidation that he could manage. It was true that it had been far easier in his old body; the six-foot-two, broadly muscled frame was domineering and menacing in a way that his new five-foot-eight, slender body couldn't even hope to accomplish. But Hyne-be-damned if he were just going to give up on gaining back the respect that he had lost as Ultimecia's knight.

"Alright, duckies, I got news for you." Seifer pasted on a wicked grin and flipped Hyperion out of its holster, catching it in one hand while placing the other hand on his hip. "Through some extenuating circumstances, your godlike Commander Seifer Almasy has been turned into a fucking gorgeous chick. I will not punish you if you laugh…"

The SeeDs under his command gaped at him open-mouthed, then flicked their gazes to Squall for confirmation. At his small nod, they burst out laughing, appreciating Seifer's promise that they wouldn't be punished for it.

Seifer's grin took on a vicious edge as he finished, "Unless you consider one-on-one spars with me to be punishment."

The laughter abruptly stopped; every SeeD's smile was wiped away as a horror-struck expression replaced it.

"Aww, chickies, I'm hurt!" Seifer crooned, spinning Hyperion's tip lazily in a figure-8 pattern. "You don't want to test yourselves against me?"

"Not even remotely," His subordinates chorused unanimously, something that Squall was endearingly amused by. Seifer Almasy had trained his SeeDs well.

Seifer slid Hyperion back into his holster and stood with his legs braced apart, hands on hips. "Good move. I'll let you off this time. As it is, I'm still the same Almasy, I'll still make fun of your practically non-existent and/or incredibly boring sex lives, and I can still beat the ever-loving Hyne-pants off of you. Got it memorized, ya little shit-fuckers?"

"Yessir!" His SeeDs chanted, accustomed to his bizarre cussing.

"Headmaster Leonhart, care to explain what you're doing here?" Seifer inquired unexpectedly, turning his sharp jade gaze to the taciturn man standing next to him.

Squall's gaze barely flicked over to Seifer as he gestured to one of the front-most SeeDs. "Observing your teaching methods, Commander Almasy. You. Black-haired boy with glasses. Front and center."

The boy jogged up to see him, admirably straight-faced and calm in the face of the famous war hero Squall Leonhart. Seifer really had trained his SeeDs well.

"Sir yes sir, Headmaster sir?" The boy asked, a faint smirk appearing on his face.

Maybe Seifer had trained his SeeDs a little _too_ well.

"State your name and rank." Squall commanded evenly, leaving no room for argument. He would have hoped that he left no room for insubordination either, but if anyone could teach his students how to be subtly defiant, it was Seifer Almasy.

He gestured smoothly to Seifer, who took the hint and carried on with his lesson, ignoring the impromptu interview going on at his side. Soon, the chattering and movement of students surrounded Squall, showing that his conversation with the black-haired boy wasn't being focused on by the majority of the SeeD members around him.

"Lee Turnbull, sir. Rank 5, sir." The bespectacled boy announced, rocking back on his heels.

"And you've been Commander Almasy's subordinate for the two years he's been in command." Squall continued, meeting the boy's black eyes dead-on.

"Yessir." Lee nodded, seemingly intent on saying 'sir' as much as possible with as few words as possible to buffer it.

Squall switched his gaze to Seifer, who had just flung his arm around the neck of a female SeeD and was currently giving her a noogie, laughing maniacally all the while. "Is his teaching style always this… unorthodox?"

"He's not the most… formal of my instructors, true," Lee admitted, stubbornly avoiding anything that could implicate his Commander. "But his methods are effective and good at keeping our attention."

"Duly noted," Squall said with a wry smirk. "So you would advocate his techniques, then?"

"I would die for the Commander, sir," Lee stated proudly, drawing himself up to his full height. "And I would just as soon kill anyone who said anything against him."

Squall arched a single chocolate eyebrow, intrigued at the nature of the boy. He hadn't even said anything against Seifer, merely asked an innocent question regarding his teaching methods, and the boy had reacted defensively – and more importantly, protectively.

When Seifer had returned to Balamb Garden six months after the end of the Third Sorceress War, Squall hadn't known how the public would react. After all, Squall himself was the beloved Lion of Balamb Garden, the teenager who supposedly single-handedly brought down Ultimecia. Of course, he would never have been able to do it without the help of his friends, but good luck convincing the media of that. They were much more interested in crediting him with the successful end of the war. But he was a teenager nonetheless, and he didn't think that the media would appreciate him bringing a known traitor back into power, thinking that he had done it simply because Seifer had been a childhood friend of his.

So Seifer's return as Ultimecia's failed knight had been greatly anticipated. Squall had waited apprehensively for the reaction from the public, and he was not disappointed. Trabian survivors and Galbadian citizens anxious to clear their name from the war had demanded his execution, backed up by the media and many zealous, anti-sorceress fanatics from Esthar. However, with Squall's official support, as well as backing from the SeeDs of Balamb Garden, Seifer had been allowed to stay. Ten months later, he had been granted a position as a Rank 5 SeeD, and after that, the rest was history. At twenty years old, he had taken over for Squall as the Commander of SeeDs at the Garden, and Squall replaced the newly retired Cid Kramer as Headmaster.

But even so, Squall hadn't been totally aware of just how adored Seifer truly was. He hadn't known that Seifer's underlings were so loyal to him, hadn't known that Seifer's SeeDs would rush to his defense, and certainly hadn't known that Seifer's subordinates would talk back to _him_ for no other reason than protecting their Commander. It was relieving, in a way. He didn't have to worry about Seifer's students hating him on top of the remaining anti-sorceress fanatics out there.

Squall's focus was brought back to the real world just as Seifer whispered mock-conspiratorially to Lee, "Yeah, he does this sometimes. You learn to expect it."

"Duly noted," Lee said, staring curiously at Squall.

Squall rolled his eyes, accustomed to the way Seifer whined to other people about the way he zoned out for minutes at a time. You'd think the whiny bastard would have gotten used to it by now. After all, they'd known each other since they were like, six, and Squall had been doing it for just as long.

"You sticking around?" Seifer asked, shoving Lee away to join his group for the latest mission. Lee took it well, just gave a good-natured salute goodbye and wandered away. "You _seriously_ don't have anything better to do with your time then stalk me like the creepy weirdo you are?"

"One would think there was something you're hiding from me," Squall deadpanned, nodding a goodbye as he took his own leave.

Seifer smirked, looking as innocent as he ever did – as in, not at all – and blew Squall a kiss. It looked almost natural on him now. That was somewhat disturbing.

Squall slipped out of the training center and walked briskly to the Headmaster's office, nodding his acknowledgments to everyone he walked by. He made it there in a few minutes, and couldn't help but be thankful that the process had been so painless. No one insisted on stopping him to have any unproductive, useless conversations.

"Squally!" Selphie trilled the second he stepped off the elevator.

Dammit.

It was good while it lasted, Squall reflected. Always was, with Selphie.

"So, so, um, did you – so, how about Seifer –" Selphie paused, flustered. Squall realized with amusement that she didn't know if he was aware of Seifer's current state, and was subtly trying to coax it out of him. Selphie wasn't very good at subtle. "Uh, did you go back to your rooms last night?"

"Yes." Squall said simply, and moved to walk past her to his office.

"And?" She tried again, bounding up to him and bouncing in place directly in his walking path. "Uh, did Seifer say anything interesting?"

"No." Squall said, and tried to sidestep her.

Selphie was clearly confused, but doggedly stepped back in front of him again to pursue the topic. "Nothing… at all? She – _he_ didn't say anything interesting? At all?"

"Selphie," Squall monotoned. "He didn't _say_ anything interesting. He didn't have to. It was a fairly obvious issue." And with that, he slid his hands to her sides, hoisted her up easily, and set her down out of his path. Then he walked quickly into his office and shut the door.

He could hear her yelling at him from outside the door, and he just shook his head in exasperated amusement and ignored her.

If all females were like that, he wanted Seifer back to being male as soon as humanly possible.

x

[Author's note:] Haha, um, sorry this is so late. I'm good like that. Review if you want to. Don't if you don't. The end.

Although reviews do make me update faster. [/blatant manipulation]


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